The Office maintains no file on Mr. McIlroy. In one hundred and thirty years of enforcement, this has occurred once. The Office finds it suspicious, has investigated the absence of violations twice, and on both occasions closed the inquiry with a commendation it did not know how to process. He plays fast. He signs correctly. He tips. The Office, which does not have heroes, has one.

§ 5.1, Attire, Aggravated, Continuing: trousers visible from orbit; patterns unknown to textile science; a torso frequently ungoverned. Cited annually 1991–present. Elevated to the Permanent Collection after the Office concluded enforcement was futile and, privately, that it would miss him. The file is the largest the Office holds. It is kept with affection.

§ 4.1, Pace of Play, Scientific: observed consulting air density, spin lofts, and a caddie’s patience over a 70-yard pitch. § 10.4, Blaming the Equipment: the respondent’s driver was publicly held responsible for the respondent’s driving; the driver has retained counsel. The Office notes the respondent has since improved considerably and resents the loss of material.

Art. X, Temper, Grounds-Directed: putting surfaces damaged in more jurisdictions than the Office maintains field offices, which required the opening of field offices. The Office acknowledges the short game under pressure and cites it as no defense.

§ 8.2, Improvement of Lie, Televised: assessed two strokes by the relevant authorities at the time; assessed permanently by this Office. The Office notes that cameras were present, which the Office regards as the only unusual circumstance.

Art. X, Club Abuse, Recurrent; Language, Broadcast: irons dispatched with prejudice across three decades of Sunday afternoons. The Committee convened to consider enforcement and instead watched the tape of Augusta, 1997, and again in 2019. The file is sealed. The Office notes only that it is heavy, and that fifteen (15) major championships constitute mitigation the Office is not prepared to litigate.